March 22, 2013
March Madness is happening right now, and that’s almost entirely a good thing. Basketball’s on all day. It’s still cold in Chicago, but the sun is shining, birds are chirping, and there are signs that the weather will improve in the coming days. It’s the end of that six-week stretch between the Super Bowl and now, the most miserable time of the year.
There are really only two bad elements of March Madness:
1) If you put any legitimate thought and analysis into filling out your bracket, it’s a fact of science that it will be busted by Sunday. Whatever. It happens.
2) Certain commercials will rub you the wrong way. You will see them 742 times over the course of four days. They will consume your entire existence.
For me, this year’s title belongs to the “It’s Not Complicated” AT&T commercials. This series has been going on for a couple months and I hated it right away. I’m honestly not even sure if this is the one they’re showing on repeat during the tournament. But if it’s not, it doesn’t really matter because they’re essentially all the same:
What really bothers me is the idea that we should be on AT&T because these stupid kids say so confidently. Have you ever spent time around kids? They’re self-assured and WRONG all the time. Immediately, the little girl starts talking about the importance of being fast to avoid being bitten by a werewolf. Such faulty logic. Everybody knows speed won’t save you in a werewolf revolution. You’re not getting out of there just by outrunning everyone. There’s physicality involved. Who do you think is more likely to survive a werewolf takeover, Usain Bolt or The Rock? Definitely The Rock. Now, The Rock’s not exactly slow, but he’s not one of the fastest people in the world either. Somewhere in this rant, a metaphor for cell phone plan exists.
What do a bunch of dumb kids know about picking the best mobile service plan? Have they scouted other companies’ rates? Will their insatiable desire to stream Max and Ruby MURDER their parents in data overage charges? What about a family sharing plan? Does AT&T really have the best service in their locale? If so, none of them are growing up anywhere that I’ve ever lived.
We all know that children are stupid. That’s why they have parents that micromanage every second of their lives. If not, they’d kill themselves and/or each other. If permitted, they’d eat candy and ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. They’d never go to school and they’d spend every waking second playing video games. They’d never shower or change their clothes and would end up with rashes from head to toe.
Forgive me if I don’t trust a bunch of dumb kids to properly pick the right cell phone plan.